I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit