Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place