DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
the saddest jazz hands ever
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
BETRAYAL
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*