My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”