The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?