My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!