*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
There’s never enough good news
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity