♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.