You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”