How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.