Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.