Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
You Might Also Like
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Every house has this drawer