me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.