Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
dads on road-trips be like
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.