I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
*Seductively hides in the woods
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?