I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
You Might Also Like
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”