Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
No laws when master is gone
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.