PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.