me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
real
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
titanic
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”