how high up are we talkin’?
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*