Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
What personal space?
My dog
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”