Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.