[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Spell check is for lasers.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song