I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
me opening up to someone