It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Incredible customer service.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Wikigenius
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat