If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.