INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
my proudest tweet
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.