whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Nice try Hitler
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.