One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ACED my prostate exam!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
seems like a niche market
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose