More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Writing, She Murdered.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
they really do be looking like this
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire