Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me