Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
S O O N
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Ok but actually
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel