Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.