Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.