Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday