I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
#TopTip
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
the three branches of government
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Most fashion shows these days…
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you