I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU