*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands