3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.