[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes