[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
bury ourselves
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.