Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Was it something I said?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra