[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.