My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I have two kinds of followers
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry