[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You Might Also Like
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I can fix him.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
This made me smile…
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(