My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“just sayin” who asked you though?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs