Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.