Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Good point.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.