Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The “research” scene in every horror movie
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”