Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Happy Taco Tuesday
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters